Senseless Banter & Beyond
by FLuFFy
Summary: Confused Sam, a musical, a man-eater, and SPAM. Plus, senseless banter...in bulk.


"Senseless Banter and Beyond"  
By: FLuFFy  
Rating: PG13  
Notes: Notes... Boy, I don't know.  
  
~~~~  
  
  
[scene. Donna's uh... area.]  
  
  
SAM [walking in]  
Hey.  
  
  
DONNA  
Sam!  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah?  
  
  
DONNA  
Where were you last night?  
  
  
SAM  
Last night?  
  
  
DONNA  
I tried to call you.  
  
  
SAM  
You never call me.  
  
  
DONNA  
I know. So, where were you?  
  
  
SAM  
I don't think it concerns you.  
  
  
DONNA  
Oh my god!  
  
  
SAM  
What!?  
  
  
DONNA  
You were out with Mallory!  
  
  
SAM  
No...  
  
  
DONNA  
Yes you were!  
  
  
SAM  
I really wasn't.  
  
  
DONNA  
Ainsley!?  
  
  
SAM  
No...  
  
  
DONNA  
Cathy!?  
  
  
SAM  
No. We haven't seen her in years.  
  
  
DONNA  
Josh!?  
  
  
SAM  
I don't have time for this...  
  
  
DONNA  
Aha!  
  
  
SAM  
"Aha" what?  
  
  
DONNA  
You were with Josh!  
  
  
SAM  
NO...I actually do have to go...  
  
  
DONNA  
Your not going anywhere!  
  
  
SAM  
You mean "you're".  
  
  
DONNA  
What!?  
  
  
SAM  
Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E  
  
  
DONNA  
I'm speaking! How do you... You know what? It doesn't matter.  
  
  
SAM  
I hafta go...  
  
  
DONNA  
Fine. Be that way. But, you know I'm going to have to ask Josh.  
  
  
SAM  
Go ahead.  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Toby's office.]  
  
  
SAM  
Batman!  
  
  
TOBY  
Don't do that.  
  
  
SAM  
Fair enough.  
  
  
TOBY  
So, what compels the Boy Wonder to enter my lair?  
  
  
SAM  
If I can't call you Batman, then why...  
  
  
TOBY  
What do you want, Sam?  
  
  
SAM  
I need the thing.  
  
  
TOBY  
Okay.  
  
  
SAM  
Don't "okay" me. This is serious.  
  
  
TOBY  
I know.  
  
  
SAM  
So, where is it?  
  
  
TOBY  
Joey's got it.  
  
  
SAM  
Alright. Is it looking bad?  
  
  
TOBY  
Terrible.  
  
  
SAM  
Does anybody even know what we're talking about?  
  
  
TOBY  
I doubt it.  
  
  
SAM  
So this is filler?  
  
  
TOBY  
I'd say so.  
  
  
SAM  
That's not very fair.  
  
  
TOBY  
Life's not fair, Robin.  
  
  
SAM  
Would you stop...  
  
  
TOBY  
Not a chance, SchmutzyPants.  
  
  
SAM  
That's ridiculous.  
  
  
TOBY  
If we don't engage in senseless banter, we'll get no screentime at all. Is that what you want!?  
  
  
SAM  
Of course not.  
  
  
TOBY  
So...How about those Mets?  
  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Zoey's dorm. Zoey and Charlie are there.]  
  
ZOEY  
Hey, Charlie.  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Hey.  
  
  
ZOEY  
What are you doing here?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Can't a guy visit his girlfriend?  
  
  
ZOEY  
We're still dating?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Yeah.  
  
  
ZOEY  
You're sure?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Yes!  
  
  
ZOEY  
Completely?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Yes! Somebody would have mentioned if we'd broken up!  
  
  
ZOEY  
Just because they didn't mention it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  
  
  
CHARLIE  
But...  
  
  
ZOEY  
It's like Sam and Josh. Everybody knows they've done it, we just don't mention it.  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Sam and Josh...  
  
  
ZOEY  
You're kidding me. You didn't know?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
No, but this still doesn't solve our problem.  
  
  
ZOEY  
I know...  
  
  
CHARLIE  
We need to find out if we're still together or not.  
  
  
ZOEY  
I agree.  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Yeah.   
  
  
ZOEY  
You know what else I'd like to know?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
What?  
  
  
ZOEY  
Why aren't you in college right now?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
I...  
  
  
ZOEY  
Oh, for Pete's sake!  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Hey, don't blame me! Blame my lack of ensemble interaction!  
  
  
ZOEY  
I'm Sorry...  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Me too. It's just... sometimes I wonder why I'm even in this cast.  
  
  
ZOEY  
Don't say that! You're just as important as everyone else!  
  
  
CHARLIE  
I'm really not.  
  
  
ZOEY  
I know...  
  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Oval office. Toby and POTUS are there.]  
  
  
TOBY  
Mr. President?  
  
  
POTUS  
Toby.  
  
  
TOBY  
Sir, I came to talk to you about re-election.  
  
  
POTUS  
You know, in Africa the word for midget is "Bun-took," and when they migrated to Europe, it was mistranslated into "alfonza," which is Italian for "Man-eater." So, you can imagine what a predicament the midgets were in.  
  
  
TOBY  
Uh. Sir?  
  
  
POTUS  
See, the African circus came to town, and a group of Italians started a coup, thinking that a group of man-eaters were coming.  
  
  
TOBY  
Mr. President!  
  
  
POTUS  
What, Toby!? What!?  
  
  
TOBY  
Joey's been working on the polls for re-election.  
  
  
POTUS  
And?  
  
  
TOBY  
You might wanna sit down.  
  
  
POTUS  
If our legs bent the other way, what would chairs look like?  
  
  
TOBY  
Sir, this is serious. You're veering off-topic as if you have some sort of learning disorder.  
  
  
POTUS  
For God's sake, Toby, what do you want!?  
  
  
TOBY  
I'm trying to tell you, but you keep talking about midgets and chairs!  
  
  
POTUS  
I'm listening now. So, what?  
  
  
TOBY  
Sir, with Stackhouse in the election now...  
  
  
POTUS  
What?  
  
  
TOBY  
...We're going to lose.  
  
  
POTUS  
That's ridiculous, Toby! I'm the lead. What would make you think it's possible that I'd lose the election?  
  
  
TOBY  
Sir, the polls...  
  
  
POTUS  
I always win.  
  
  
TOBY  
Not this time.  
  
  
POTUS  
What's next?  
  
  
TOBY  
I'm serious, Sir. You can't just change the subject. We're going to lose, Mr. President. And there's nothing you can do about it...  
  
  
[dramatic music starts up in the background]  
  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Josh and Sam are in the communications bullpen.]  
  
  
SAM  
Do you hear something?  
  
  
JOSH  
Not really...  
  
  
["Halleeeeeeluuuuujaaaaaahhhh! Halllleeeeluuuujaaaaah!"]  
  
  
SAM  
What is that?  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh, the music. It provides dramatic undertone.  
  
  
SAM  
What!?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, it usually begins a montage.  
  
  
["It's a coooollddd and it's a broookeen hallleeeeluuuujjaaaah"]  
  
  
SAM  
Hey, I know this song. This is the one they played when Simon was killed. It distracted me from "War of the Roses."  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, how was that play by the way? Boring?  
  
  
SAM  
To who?  
  
  
JOSH  
You mean "whom"?  
  
  
SAM  
No, who.  
  
  
JOSH  
You sure?  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah.   
  
  
JOSH  
What were we talking about?  
  
  
SAM  
I don't remember.  
  
  
JOSH  
Me either.  
  
  
SAM  
Neither.  
  
  
JOSH  
What?  
  
  
SAM  
You said "either".  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh, shut up.  
  
  
SAM  
You're being mean to me again.  
  
  
JOSH  
I am not. That was a playful "shut up"  
  
  
SAM  
It came across as cranky.  
  
  
JOSH  
Well, it wasn't intended that way.  
  
  
SAM  
It doesn't matter how you meant it. What matters is how the "shut up" is received. I could misinterpret that as anger, and then where would we be?  
  
  
JOSH  
Not speaking again?  
  
  
SAM  
Exactly.  
  
  
JOSH  
You're such a girl.  
  
  
SAM  
You are.  
  
  
GINGER  
Would you two just kiss already?  
  
  
SAM  
What!?  
  
  
JOSH  
We're not gay!  
  
  
GINGER  
If you say so.  
  
  
SAM  
Good. Because we do say so.  
  
  
JOSH  
Yes. And I have a girlfriend.  
  
  
SAM  
If that's what you wanna call Amy.  
  
  
JOSH  
What's wrong with Amy!?  
  
  
GINGER  
This is gonna take a while.  
  
  
[Sam nods his head]  
  
  
JOSH  
I thought you liked her!  
  
  
SAM  
You ever notice how we stopped speaking after she came along?  
  
  
JOSH  
I thought that was just because Aaron forgot about you.  
  
  
SAM  
Well, he did. But I still don't like her.  
  
  
JOSH  
Why!?  
  
  
SAM  
She takes away our screentime together.  
  
  
GINGER  
I knew you guys were in love!  
  
  
SAM  
We are not!  
  
  
JOSH  
Amy and I need the screentime. It's a blossoming romance.  
  
  
SAM  
But we've been friends for years!  
  
  
JOSH  
You and Amy?  
  
  
SAM  
No! You and I! Amy and I have never even met!  
  
  
JOSH  
Yes you have.  
  
  
SAM  
Really?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah.  
  
  
SAM  
You sure?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yes! How could you hate someone you've never met?  
  
  
SAM  
I don't know! Why don't you ask the audience?  
  
  
JOSH  
They hate her too?  
  
  
SAM  
Well, duh.  
  
  
JOSH  
No way!  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah. And they're starting to like you less for being with her.  
  
  
JOSH  
How do you know this!?  
  
  
SAM  
We get tons of letters.  
  
  
JOSH  
Seriously?  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah.  
  
  
JOSH  
You don't hate me for being with Amy, do you?  
  
  
SAM  
Of course not.  
  
  
GINGER  
In love!  
  
  
JOSH  
Are not! [to Sam] Really?  
  
  
SAM  
I could never hate you.  
  
  
JOSH  
Well, thanks for that. But the audience hates me?  
  
  
SAM  
Dislikes.  
  
  
JOSH  
Same difference!  
  
  
SAM  
Oxymoron.  
  
  
JOSH  
Same to you, buddy!  
  
  
SAM  
No, "Same Difference" is an oxymoron.  
  
  
JOSH  
Sorry, I misunderstood.  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. What is this? An episode of "Three's Company"?  
  
  
[Josh sits down]  
  
  
JOSH  
I can't believe everyone hates Amy.  
  
  
SAM  
I'm sorry.  
  
  
JOSH  
No, you're not.  
  
  
SAM  
No, I'm not. Amy's a shrew.  
  
  
JOSH  
Way to comfort me!  
  
  
SAM  
I've got my own problems. Just...go hit on Donna and yours is solved.  
  
  
JOSH  
Seriously?  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah.  
  
  
JOSH  
Me and Donna?  
  
  
SAM  
"Donna and I"  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam!  
  
  
SAM  
I should stop doing that.  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah. I think I'm gonna do it...  
  
  
SAM  
Hit on Donna?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah.  
  
  
SAM  
Well, good luck. About my problem...  
  
  
JOSH  
See ya later!  
  
  
[Josh walks away]  
  
  
[Sam sighs]  
  
  
SAM  
Nevermind, then.  
  
  
  
  
  
[scene. CJ's office. There's a knock at the door.]  
  
CJ  
Come in.  
  
  
[Leo enters]  
  
  
LEO  
HI.  
  
  
CJ  
What are you doing here?  
  
  
LEO  
I...  
  
  
CJ  
We hardly ever interact!  
  
  
LEO  
Yeah, well, everyone else is interacting with someone else. I was the only one left. So, how's it going?  
  
  
CJ  
Fine.  
  
  
LEO  
Listen. The polls...  
  
  
CJ  
I know about the polls.  
  
  
LEO  
Good, because the press is...  
  
  
CJ  
I know, Leo.  
  
  
LEO  
They're also gonna ask about Sam.  
  
  
CJ  
What about him?  
  
  
LEO  
Somebody saw him getting gay with Kevin.  
  
  
CJ  
As in... Kevin the tape guy? LOG KABIN KEVIN!?!?  
  
  
LEO  
We shouldn't judge...  
  
  
CJ  
I'm not judging. I'm saying this can't be right! In subtext...maybe. MAYBE. But, it just wouldn't happen...  
  
  
LEO  
You're sure?  
  
  
CJ  
Positive. Josh would never forgive him!  
  
  
LEO  
Why does everyone keep saying...  
  
  
  
[Ginger peeks her head in]  
  
  
GINGER  
Because they're gay.  
  
  
DONNA [walking by]  
Sam and Josh?  
  
  
GINGER  
Yeah.  
  
  
DONNA  
Totally.  
  
  
  
LEO  
Well, I guess I can look into it for you...  
  
  
CJ  
You do that.  
  
  
LEO  
Later on. We have the thing in 10 minutes.  
  
  
CJ  
Okay.  
  
  
  
[scene. Oval Office.]  
  
  
POTUS  
I've asked you all here to use up the special guest star budget.  
  
  
LEO  
Mr. President?  
  
  
POTUS  
Yes. I'd like you all to meet Tustin Jimberflake.  
  
  
  
[Tustin is played by...oh, you can figure it out. Just switch the 'T' and 'J' and axe the 'f'.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You've got to be kidding me.  
  
  
POTUS  
Tustin is our new white house counsel.  
  
  
SAM  
What about Ainsley!?  
  
  
JOSH  
She's in Miami investigating crime scenes.  
  
  
SAM  
Hu...  
  
  
JOSH  
Don't ask.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
Yo! I can do this hyar job, G!  
  
  
LEO  
Mr. President...are you sure Tustin is the right person for this job?  
  
  
POTUS  
Positive.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
I got dem qualifications and shiyaaat, bro.  
  
  
JOSH  
For God's sake, man! You're white!  
  
  
CJ  
Let it go, Josh. He's just a guest star. He'll never be seen again.  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh yeah. Uh...welcome to the White House, Tustin.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
Shyeah. You best be respectin'!  
  
  
TOBY  
Somebody hold me back!  
  
  
CJ  
Calm down, Toby-wan.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
Best be takin' a chill pill, brizzo.  
  
  
  
[Toby turns bright shades of red]  
  
  
  
LEO  
Sam, you better get him out of here.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
Word. I don' gotsta take dis!  
  
  
TOBY  
Gaaahhh....  
  
  
SAM  
I'm on it.  
  
  
[Sam grabs Toby and tosses him out of the room.]  
  
  
SAM  
Well, that's taken care of.  
  
  
CJ  
Yeah...so uh...Toby said there was something important to discuss.  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
Damnit, CJ! We can't discuss the important thing until he's out of the room. [looks at Sam]  
  
  
SAM  
But...  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam, you know I love you, but you have to leave...  
  
  
GINGER [peaking her head in]  
I knew it!  
  
  
JOSH  
Shut up!  
  
  
SAM  
Why do I have to go?  
  
  
JOSH  
I can't tell him.  
  
  
CJ  
Me neither. It's too painful.  
  
  
SAM  
What!?  
  
  
LEO  
You have a meeting with Leonard Filtip...  
  
  
SAM  
Who?  
  
  
LEO  
...to discuss banning UFOs.  
  
  
SAM  
No!  
  
  
LEO  
Sam...  
  
  
SAM  
No!  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam...  
  
  
SAM  
No! I can't do this again!  
  
  
JOSH  
I'm sorry. Somebody has to...  
  
  
SAM  
I left a six figure income with one of the world's biggest law firms for this?  
  
  
CJ  
It's not that bad...  
  
  
SAM  
It's a crackplot! A crackplot, CJ! Do you know what that's like!?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
I do.  
  
  
POTUS  
Charlie, what are you doing here?  
  
  
CHARLIE  
I was wondering, Sir... Am I still dating your daughter?  
  
  
POTUS  
I really don't know.  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Okay. Sorry to bother you, Mr.President.  
  
  
POTUS  
No problem. So...  
  
  
SAM  
I'm not leaving.  
  
  
CJ  
Don't be stubborn.  
  
  
SAM  
I'm not being stubborn.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
I gotsta disagree, foo'!  
  
  
LEO  
Okay...you have to leave too.  
  
  
TUSTIN  
What? Da's a load of shite!  
  
  
LEO  
Go away before I kill you.  
  
  
[Tustin leaves, mumbling]  
  
  
CJ  
Oh, thank God!  
  
  
LEO  
Sam...  
  
  
JOSH  
I'll do it.  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
I'll take the crackplot.  
  
  
CJ  
Josh, you...  
  
  
JOSH  
I'll do it.  
  
  
SAM  
Josh, are you sure?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah. I already know what this is about anyway. We're gonna lose the election. Blah, blah, new-ideacakes.  
  
  
SAM  
Thanks, buddy..  
  
  
[CJ giggles]  
  
  
SAM [correcting himself]  
Thanks, Josh. Wait... we're gonna lose!?  
  
  
LEO  
I was wondering if you caught that...  
  
  
SAM  
I did.  
  
  
LEO  
Good. But on to more important matters...  
  
  
SAM  
More important than losing the election!?  
  
  
POTUS  
Sam, I'm the lead...  
  
  
[Sam grumbles]  
  
  
POTUS  
...I'll win.  
  
  
SAM  
But Toby said...  
  
  
POTUS  
Screw Toby...  
  
  
LEO  
Sam, do you honestly think Ritchie's gonna win?  
  
  
SAM  
No.  
  
  
LEO  
So, the next thing is... Cj?  
  
  
CJ  
Sam, did you get your gay on with Kevin?  
  
  
SAM  
Kevin...?  
  
  
CJ  
Of the Ritchie campaign.  
  
  
SAM  
No.  
  
  
CJ  
You sure?  
  
  
SAM  
Well, yeah. I think I'd know!  
  
  
CJ  
Okay. No, really, are you sure?  
  
  
SAM  
Absolutely. Josh would nev... You know what? It doesn't matter. No. Just no.  
  
  
LEO  
Well, okay then. CJ, debunk it.  
  
  
CJ  
Okay.  
  
  
LEO  
And the re-election thing?  
  
  
POTUS  
What?  
  
  
LEO  
Let's forget we ever mentioned that.  
  
  
CJ  
Why?  
  
  
LEO  
It's a foregone conclusion.  
  
  
[Sam cringes]  
  
  
LEO  
What?  
  
  
SAM  
Nothing.  
  
  
LEO  
Okay. You're all dismissed.  
  
  
  
[scene. Josh's office.]  
  
  
JOSH  
Donna!  
  
  
DONNA  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
I have to ask you something.  
  
  
DONNA  
Okay.  
  
  
JOSH  
I was wondering if...maybe...you would like to...  
  
  
DONNA  
You're asking me out?  
  
  
JOSH  
Well...  
  
  
DONNA  
That's horribly inappropriate.  
  
  
JOSH  
I'm...  
  
  
DONNA  
Okay.  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay?  
  
  
DONNA  
It's about time.  
  
  
JOSH  
So, why the "innapropriate"?  
  
  
DONNA  
Oh, it is, but that never stopped you and Sam.  
  
  
JOSH  
Uh...  
  
  
DONNA  
Everyone knows, Josh.  
  
  
JOSH  
But...  
  
  
DONNA  
No, really. We know. Stop denying it.  
  
  
JOSH  
But...How did you all know?  
  
  
DONNA  
It's obvious.  
  
  
JOSH  
Really?  
  
  
DONNA  
Pretty much.  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh. Wait...you know about Sam and you still wanna go out with me?  
  
  
DONNA  
Sure. You, me, and Sam is one fine man sandwich!  
  
  
JOSH  
Whoa! Whoa, now!  
  
  
DONNA  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
Man sandwich!?  
  
  
DONNA  
Well, yeah. You think I'd just go out with you without the promise of some Josh on Sam action...  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh, God!  
  
  
DONNA  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
Enough! I'm out of here!  
  
  
DONNA  
Wait...so you don't wanna go out...?  
  
  
JOSH  
NO!  
  
  
  
[scene. Communications bullpen]  
  
  
GINGER  
Hey, Josh.  
  
  
[Josh grumbles]  
  
  
GINGER  
What's wrong?  
  
  
JOSH  
Donna wanted a Man Sandwich!  
  
  
GINGER  
You and Sam?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yes! Can you believe that!?  
  
  
GINGER  
Mmmmmm...  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh my God!  
  
  
GINGER  
So, where are you going?  
  
  
JOSH  
Crackplot.  
  
  
GINGER  
Really? You, JOSH LYMAN, with a crackplot?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, I took it for Sam.  
  
  
GINGER  
Awww....  
  
  
JOSH  
Don't even.  
  
  
GINGER  
Fine. But you know...  
  
  
JOSH  
Don't.  
  
  
GINGER  
It's so...  
  
  
JOSH  
I hate you all.  
  
  
  
[scene. CJ's office. CJ's returning from a Press Conference.]  
  
  
SAM  
Nice work out there.  
  
  
CJ  
I know.  
  
  
SAM  
I know you know.  
  
  
CJ  
I know you know I know, Spanky.  
  
  
SAM  
I'm not gonna...  
  
  
CJ  
You forgot how many "I know"/"You know"s there were?  
  
  
SAM  
"Spanky" threw me.  
  
  
CJ  
Fair enough. Whatcha want?  
  
  
SAM  
Senseless banter and beyond.  
  
  
CJ  
Beyond?  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, things with actual meaning.  
  
  
CJ  
Oh, God. Who died?  
  
  
SAM  
Nobody died.  
  
  
CJ  
You sure?  
  
  
SAM  
Yes.  
  
  
CJ  
Then what's up?  
  
  
SAM  
It's just that... I...he...l-last...  
  
  
CJ  
Sam... Are you gonna get that sentence out any day now?  
  
  
SAM  
You know what? Nevermind. Forget I said anything.  
  
  
CJ  
Okay.  
  
  
SAM  
Really? Just "Okay"?  
  
  
CJ  
Yeah. Tell me when you feel like it, Princeton.  
  
  
SAM  
Can you all stop with the nicknames?  
  
  
CJ  
Not a chance, Sunshine.  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, okay.  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam!  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
We need to talk.  
  
  
SAM  
Okay.  
  
  
[They walk into the hallway.]  
  
  
SAM  
What's up?  
  
  
JOSH  
Everybody knows!  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
The thing!  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, you're gonna need to be more specific.  
  
  
JOSH  
With...us.  
  
  
SAM  
What about...Oh! That thing! Who knows!?  
  
  
JOSH  
Donna and Ginger. And, well, if you know those two everyone else will know within a day.  
  
  
TOBY [peeking his head in]  
We already knew.  
  
  
SAM  
Well, that's not good.  
  
  
JOSH  
No kidding.  
  
  
SAM  
What do we do?  
  
  
JOSH  
Hush money?  
  
  
SAM  
Josh...  
  
  
JOSH  
You're no fun.  
  
  
SAM  
That's not what you said last...  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam!  
  
  
SAM  
What? It's bad enough I had to tell you to go hit on Donna, I can't even...  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, Donna? Not happening.  
  
  
SAM  
She said "no"?  
  
  
JOSH  
Not exactly.  
  
  
SAM  
Then what?  
  
  
JOSH  
She wanted a manwich.  
  
  
SAM  
As in Man Sandwich?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah...  
  
  
SAM  
As in Donna and you and...  
  
  
JOSH  
You.  
  
  
SAM  
Whoa.  
  
  
JOSH  
That pretty much sums it up.  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, so what are we gonna do about them?  
  
  
JOSH  
We can deny it.  
  
  
SAM  
We could, but then what if someone sees us together later on.  
  
  
JOSH  
I'd have to give up my Sam-love. That's no good.  
  
  
SAM  
No.  
  
  
JOSH  
So what do we do?  
  
  
SAM  
I don't know.  
  
  
JOSH  
You're not being helpful.  
  
  
SAM  
Neither are you.  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah.  
  
  
[Sam sits down and sighs]  
  
  
SAM  
How about...  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah?  
  
  
SAM  
I'm thinking.  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay.  
  
  
SAM  
We don't deny anything.  
  
  
JOSH  
But that's honest!  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah. I'm young and idealistic, remember?  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, we get hit with those anvils every.freaking.episode.  
  
  
SAM  
We do not! Those are just seeping in from the ER lot nextdoor.  
  
  
JOSH  
Stop being gay, Sam.  
  
  
SAM  
It's a little too late for that.  
  
  
JOSH [giggling]  
You're so ridiculous.  
  
  
SAM  
This whole storyline is, but you love it just the same.  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah.  
  
  
SAM  
Admit it.  
  
  
JOSH  
No!  
  
  
SAM  
C'Mon!  
  
  
JOSH  
I love you...er...the storyline!  
  
  
SAM  
What did you say?  
  
  
JOSH  
I like the storyline. I hafta go...  
  
  
SAM  
Josh...  
  
  
JOSH  
Later!  
  
  
  
[scene. staff meeting, later.]  
  
  
TOBY  
We need to push this bill.  
  
  
CJ  
Toby...  
  
  
TOBY  
Don't interrupt. If we don't, we're going to look like we don't care.  
  
  
JOSH  
Toby...  
  
  
TOBY  
And if we look like we don't care, we're screwed with our pants on!  
  
  
LEO  
Toby!  
  
  
TOBY  
What?  
  
  
LEO  
What the hell are you talking about?  
  
  
POTUS [to leo]  
I'll handle this...  
  
  
LEO  
Sir?  
  
  
POTUS [to Toby]  
It's an election year, Toby! We can't do this now. If we do, we'll lose and we won't get a chance to push it later on.  
  
  
TOBY  
I understand.  
  
  
LEO  
What was that about?  
  
  
POTUS  
No clue.  
  
  
LEO  
Ulysses S. Grant in the main foyer of the white house had a 2 ton block of SPAM...  
  
  
POTUS  
Did I ever tell you all about the midgets in Africa? You see, in Africa, the word for midget is...  
  
  
SAM  
Mr. President...  
  
  
LEO  
...the people could just come and have the SPAM whenever they wanted....  
  
  
POTUS  
...And when they migrated to Europe, it was mistranslated...  
  
  
CJ  
Mr. President...  
  
  
[POTUS and LEO continue to yammer loudly]  
  
  
LEO  
Finally, it was so rotten...  
  
  
POTUS  
...that the midgets were mistaken for man-eaters...  
  
  
LEO  
...and they had to throw it out...  
  
  
JOSH  
What's going on?  
  
  
TOBY  
It's a banter-off!  
  
  
POTUS  
...and consequently...  
  
  
LEO  
...this guy is walking down the street and he falls into a hole...  
  
  
POTUS  
...this football player says...  
  
  
LEO  
...the minister walks by and he says...  
  
  
SAM  
ENOUGH!  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam, maybe you should just let them go.  
  
  
SAM  
No! Every day I sit here...and..and...I never get to say anything important...and when I do the President interrupts me to talk about midgets...or...or...  
  
  
[Sam begins singing]  
  
SAM  
Sometimes it's UFOS,  
And sometimes it's the seat belt!  
Sometimes it's HMOS,  
And sometimes it's purple felt!  
  
  
CJ  
I wonder what Sam does with felt...  
  
  
JOSH [blushing]  
It doesn't matter.  
  
  
SAM  
And soooommmmeetiimmmeeessssssss,  
sometimes it's Superconducting Supercolliders!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Why the singing? Why?  
  
  
JOSH  
It's November sweeps.  
  
  
TOBY  
Oh.  
  
  
SAM  
Well, I don't wanna deal with an alien,  
and I don't wanna deal with the penny.  
I don't care if Ainsley's episcopalian,  
I just want Josh-love a-plenty.  
  
  
CJ  
Epis...  
  
  
TOBY  
It rhymes.  
  
  
JOSH  
Josh-love!? I have no idea what he's talking about...  
  
  
CJ  
Cut the crap, Josh.  
  
  
TOBY  
Seriously. Is he done singing now?  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, I think I am.  
  
  
CJ  
Sam, why didn't you say something earlier?  
  
  
SAM  
Well then we couldn't have had clunky exposition at the very end.  
  
  
TOBY  
It's not exposition if everybody knew.  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah...not really a good plan. Does the press need to know?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Oh, nobody gives a rat's ass. I, for one, could care less.  
  
  
SAM  
Couldn't.  
  
  
TOBY  
What?  
  
  
SAM  
You said "could"  
  
  
TOBY  
Shut up, Sparkie McLyman.  
  
  
SAM  
The names are back?  
  
  
TOBY  
Yeah.  
  
  
LEO  
Okay, I hate to interrupt you all...  
  
  
POTUS  
No you don't.  
  
  
LEO  
No, I don't. This meeting should have ended a long time ago.  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, sorry about that.  
  
  
TOBY  
Sorry...  
  
  
CJ  
Sorry...  
  
  
LEO  
What are you all "sorry"ing for? LEAVE!  
  
  
[Everyone leaves]  
  
  
POTUS  
So, the meeting's over?  
  
  
LEO  
Yes, Mr. President.  
  
  
POTUS  
I can go now?  
  
  
LEO  
Absolutely.  
  
  
POTUS  
Did I ever tell you the one about the trucker who was arrested for...  
  
  
LEO  
Not now.  
  
  
POTUS  
Okay.  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
  
END NOTES: I told you it was "Senseless banter," so don't be mad that you wasted your precious time. Also, I'll leave it up to you [the reader] to guess what Sam and Josh do with felt... 


End file.
